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Some Jokes To Enjoy
Sent By John Jay Daly
An In-Demand Speaker Who Guarantees 100% Satisfaction For Each Meeting Planner.
He: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
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Francine gets home, runs into the house, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
Marvin says, "Oh, Honey, That's great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the heck outta here!"
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As a new Daddy, Bernie was wonderful with his baby daughter, but often he turned to his wife Louise for advice...
Not long ago, Louise was in the shower when Bernie poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Mary Lou for lunch?"
"That's up to you," Louise replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?" A few minutes later, Louise heard cell phone ringing.
She answered it only to hear Bernie asking, "Hi, Honey. So, uh... What should I feed Mary Lou for lunch?"
Old man Johnson was called as a witness in a burglary trial.
The defense lawyer asks Johnson, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yep, sure did" says Johnson, "I saw him take the stuff alright."
The lawyer asks again, "Mr. Johnson, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this
crime?"
"Yep" says Johnson, "He's the one, alright... I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Johnson, "Johnson listen, you are 78 years old and your eyesight is clearly not what is once
was... Just how far can you see at night?"
Johnson says, "Listen, buddy, I can see the moon, how far is that?"
What Goes Around...
Todd had just received his drivers license. Proudly, the family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time.
Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," Todd said, grinning happily at his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Where Was An Editor When These Headlines Were Submitted?
"Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax"
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While"
"Include Your Children when Baking Cookies"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
"Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman chuckled and said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Absolute proof
Rumor has it that the propeller on any light aircraft is only there to keep the pilot and passengers cool. Do you doubt this fact?
Another joke:
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them
instead."
Got The Time?
A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the park right next to the bike path and catch some shuteye. Small communities being friendly places, he did not know what he was
in for...
Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a biker standing there, "Excuse me sir but can you give me the time?"
"Yeah, it's 6:15."
The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another biker.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir. Do you have the time?"
"Yeah. It's 6:26."
The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which read
"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME"
He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat.
Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another biker.
He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"
The jogger replied, "It's 6:34."
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